Chagrined

I don’t even know where to begin. An apology for not posting for so long? A thank you to ScientistMother for making me feel less lame for posting after such a long hiatus?

I guess I should begin with the Bug. Bug was born on December 29th, two weeks before his due date. I had been predicting for months that he would be born that week and had made all my lab work plans around my mothers intuition. Luckily Bug obliged.

I woke up at 4:00 a.m. with infrequent but regular contractions every 8-10 minutes. At 6:00 a.m. I woke Husband and told him that he wasn’t going to work. Actually, that’s not true. I woke Husband and we negotiated how long it was going to take him to collect his timepoint. After labwork was out of the way, we spent a relaxing day in early labor. We took Bean to a puppet show, we had a nice lunch. When Bean went down for her nap, I tried to lay down myself but found I was too restless. So I folded laundry and Husband set up the co-sleeper. When Bean woke up, she cried because she hadn’t helped set up Bug’s bed. So I gave her a little stuffed toy and a blanket for her to lay in there for him, and then we bundled her off to a friend’s house.

On the way from our friend’s house to the hospital the contractions started to get intense. About 10 minutes away from the hospital my water broke and the contractions started coming every 2 minutes. It turned into the classic “laboring woman yelling at her husband on the way to the hosital” cliché, with me telling husband he was an idiot for stopping at stop signs. By the time we got to the hospital I was in tears and could no longer walk or talk during contractions. They took us straight into our room.

The midwife checked me. I was only 4 cm. I was devastated. The contractions were extremely painful and coming right on top of each other. I tried several different positions, rocking on all fours, on the birthing ball, squatting. Eventually I asked to get in the tub, and the tub gave me a lot of relief. The midwife turned out the lights and I spent a couple of hours laboring in the tub with husband applying ice cold compresses on my forehead. When I think back on that part of my labor, I remember it as both intensely painful and intensely intimate. I remember my hand clutching the side of the tub during contractions, and husband holding my head. The midwife framed in the doorway with a dim light behind her. I remember the labor in fragments, with tunnel vision. I don’t remember Husband’s face, only his voice and his hand.

After awhile I was starting to lose my ability to cope through contractions. I asked the midwife how much longer. How much longer until Bug was born. No more than 2 hours she said. 2 hours sounded like an eternity. I opted to get a dose of fentanyl to help ease the pain. In reality, the fentanyl didn’t really ease the pain, but it did help me rest between the contractions and helped calm me down. The fentanyl wore off extremely quickly, but it was enough to help me rest, refocus and start coping again.

After about 2 hours in the tub, I asked the midwife to check me. But as soon as I stood up I could tell it was time to push. Husband helped me out of the tub and into the bed. With the midwife and the nurse’s help, I tried pushing. I was surprised to find that pushing seemed to relieve the pain of the contractions. After 45 minutes of pushing, Bug was born, wet and beautiful on my belly.

Bug’s birth was an incredible experience. Along with my wedding day and Bean’s birth, it was one of the best days of my life.

Bean wasn’t able to come visit her baby brother at the hospital (thank you, H1N1), but she has been an enthusiastic and loving big sister. The adjustment has been surprisingly smooth. Bean is a caretaker for sure and likes being Bug’s second little mommy. She likes to smile for and otherwise entertain him, and she always tells me if he is crying (even when I’m holding him). There haven’t been any real signs of jealousy yet (*knock on wood*).

Bug for his part is an extremely mellow and wonderful little baby. He’s sweet and cuddly and not much of a crier. He’s been nursing and growing well. A relatively good sleeper, even. Now 3.5 months old, he’s smiling, rolling over, and starting to grab toys. We’ve been using a co-sleeper for the time being and that is working out wonderfully (though I dread the day when Bug moves into Bean’s room).

I’ve been back at work for the last three weeks. It’s going okay. My mom is here in town taking care of Bug, and he’s slated to start in the infant room part time next week, going full time May 3rd. I’m far more anxious about Bug starting daycare than I was about returning to work. I know ultimately that he will be fine, but I’m really dreading this transition. It’s easier to be away from him knowing that he’s being cuddled and sung to by his grandma. Much harder to leave him with someone else.

So that’s where I’m at. I’ve actually had some great luck at the bench since I’ve been back, so that makes work a bit easier too. I’m also trying to write the papers had been hoping to write before Bug was born. Writing is fun because I spend at least as much time reading papers as I do writing my own, and that’s a nice way to get back into the science.

I promise more posts to come.

Random Bullets of I'm Too Tired to Write A Coherent Post (RBOITTTWACP)

• Bean and I went to my brothers wedding a few weeks ago.  Some of you may recall he was in a terrible accident last year (just weeks before his originally scheduled wedding day) and almost lost his legs.  At the wedding, which was beautiful, he danced with the Bean.  I must have kissed my brother and my new sister-in-law about 2,000 times each.  It ranks as one of the happiest days of my life.
• After the wedding we had a few days with my mom before Husband joined us to attend his family reunion.  Every single member of Husband's family there for some time out in the wilderness.  Bean spent every waking second either splashing in the water, chasing her cousins or looking for bugs and frogs.  It was a really great time.
• Bean is really into bugs right now.  Ants, snails, moths, spiders, she loves them all.  I am doing a pretty good job of repressing my "ick" response and encouraging her interest.  No need to pass on my irrational fear of spiders.
• Bean's most popular phrase right now is "Mama, look at me!"
• I've gotten some really beautiful looking data in the past few weeks.  And while the analysis is kind of a slog, I'm really excited.  Before starting this experiment, I would have given it about a 20% chance of success, and it totally worked.  It almost makes up for all the times when stupid easy experiments don't work.
• I gave lab meeting yesterday and everyone Ooh'd and Aah'd over my lovely new data.  It's nice to put one in the "Win" column now and again.
• This pregnancy is shaping up to be very different from my first pregnancy.  I got much sicker in the beginning, I'm much more tired, and my belly has already popped.  Not in the cute "ooh a pregnant tummy" way, more in the "wow, she really let herself go" way.  
  
• ...but, I've started feeling the baby kick already.  That'll put a smile on a girls face.
• This weekend, Bean is transitioning to underwear, and next week she's wearing them to school.  She's been pottying 6-10 times a day, and I haven't changed a poopy diaper in about a month.  Um, awesome.
• Is anyone else loving the summer produce?  I can't remember the last time I had such consistently good summer produce.  The berries, cherries, tomatoes and corn have been amazing.

Big sister Bean

Thank you to everyone for your well wishes!  We have, in fact, told the Bean the happy news.  She’s too young to really understand.  She knows “there’s a baby in mama’s tummy” and she will put stuffed animals under her shirt and tell us that they are growing, but that’s about the level of her understanding.

My earliest memory is of being just about Bean’s age now (a little over 2 years old), and seeing my mother, very pregnant with my younger brother, getting out of the shower.  I remember being amazed at the size of her belly.  “You’re fat” I told her.  And she gently reminded me (for no doubt the 8,000^th time) that there was a baby in her tummy.  So yeah, I don’t have high expectations for Bean understanding the situation.

And to be fair, I didn’t really understand what it was to have a baby until Bean arrived.  And though she sort of understands the concept of brothers or sisters, I don’t expect that she will really know what it means to be a big sister until the baby starts drooling on all her stuff.

But, I hope Bean will get excited as the time nears.  7 months is a long time for her to work on “getting it”, and I’m sure the big sister books will help.  For right now though, I’m happy to let her enjoy being an only child for a little bit longer.

Back in the saddle... sort of

Some of you may have noticed that my running counter hasn't been ticking upwards for, oh, about 6 weeks.  Frankly, I've been too sick and exhausted to run, but it's for a happy reason.  Husband and I will be expecting our second little Bean in January 2010!

It's been a pretty rough first trimester (and I'm not out of the woods yet).  I don't remember being THIS exhausted or so darn sick with Bean.  But maybe that's just the hazy mommy memory (what?  labor was painful?  I don't remember that.).  It's also possible that experiencing first trimester woes was significantly different when I could baby myself all I wanted instead of chasing a toddler around.  

Either way, it's been tough.  But I seem to be through the worst of the nausea now.  And though I'm still ready to keel over and die of exhaustion at the end of each day, I've started some light running again this week.  Getting back to a more regular exercise routine is bound to make me feel better both mentally and physically and I hope I can keep it up.

The bonus is that 6 weeks of semi-forced rest seems to have allowed my shin splints to finally heal.  *knock on wood*

Anyway, we're pleased as punch.  It's a little strange being pregnant the second time and feeling like it's already so different from the first pregnancy.  All of my symptoms started earlier, including some very undesirable symptoms that didn't kick in until late in my first pregnancy.  I also don't feel as focused on or connected to the new baby yet, most likely because I'm so focused on and connected to the Bean.  That will probably change once I start feeling the baby move.

I also feel much more paranoid this time around.  I feel like the Bean came out so perfectly and there are so many things that can go wrong... how can we get that lucky twice?  We're doing prenatal tests this time that we didn't do with the Bean, to hopefully settle my nerves a bit.

But we're excited as heck.  I know the first couple of years managing two kids will be tough, but I know too what a gift our second little one will be.